I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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