Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
