yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
