Moan for me like Helen Keller
I skipped work to stalk him.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
