OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
