well I can't set my house on fire every night
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
