I will die if light touches me.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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