I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
