Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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