So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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