I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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