and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
