So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
