Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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