Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
