smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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