I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
