dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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