You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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