And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
