well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
