to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
