you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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