my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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