If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
