i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
