When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize