I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize