Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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