blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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