Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
