if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Randomize