My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
