so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
