ugly people sure do ruin things
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
