Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
