I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
