Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
the condom got lost in my hair
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
