Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
His hands were made for my vagina.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
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