sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
PANTIES FOUND
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