maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
well you can't waste a boner
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
