i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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