ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
