My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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