she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
