I feel like abortions should bother me more
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
