WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
