I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
