Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
