he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
