Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
