remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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