there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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