I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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