So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
