I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
