I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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