im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
